Happy Thanksgiving!

Today we spent most of the day preparing food (Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, pies...) and then we ate it all!

This week I have been staying with Annie and Sam’s family (they are both on my DTS), in Salem, Oregon. We drove here in a tiny Geo-metro with two snowboards strapped to the roof.... haha! It has been a relaxing week of not doing much, and processing the past two weeks. I am very thankful for the time off. I am also thankful that I got to stay with the coolest family. I have felt so much a part of their family this week; it’s just like being at home!

On Saturday we are heading back to Idaho where we will have 4 days to prepare for India, then on Wednesday we fly to Delhi! Everything has gone so fast. The lecture phase is now over and the outreach phase is about to commence. Within a matter of days I will be submersed into a completely new and totally different culture, with a new language to learn and a new way of life to adopt. It will also be the first time away from home at Christmas in 20 years together as a family! I am looking forward to the new experiences though and spending the festive season bringing the Good News to the people of India!

The last two weeks of the lecture phase were spent in the Depot, a house 2 miles outside of Cascade. It is no longer safe to be up at camp because of the snowfall. It has been yet another new and stretching experience living in a small house with 12 other people. The joys of community living really start to surface when there is only one room in the house where you can get a wireless connection; you share a room with 5 other people with one bathroom and a small living room! The lack of personal space is stressful when you really just want five minutes to yourself! The team is really starting to get to know each other on a more personal level now, but despite the conflicts we are still all unified.

We have had lectures on the Nature and Character of God, and Spiritual Warfare. Really interesting and powerful stuff! A highlight of both the weeks was learning who I am in Christ. I have been learning that for a while now, but this past week I was struck with a real confusion about it. I was told that I was the glorious child of God. I couldn’t quite believe it. So I wrestled for a few days over this concept. How I was beautiful and valued in the presence of the King. A princess in His kingdom, given all authority through Jesus Christ who lives in me!

In the past few days God has given me such as hunger to read His word. It is so exciting to read. I have never been as open as I am now to reading it, but it is so good! I read through the Gospel of John, and oh man, Jesus is so amazing! There is an inviting aspect to him that I have never seen before. Whenever people questioned who he was, he challenged them to ‘come and see’. Plain and simple. He didn’t deny who he was, and he didn’t make it up either. He let them make up their own minds as to who he was. And more often than not, they soon realised that he was the Son of God! The Christ Himself! So good!

Over the coming months I would challenge to ask for God’s heart in prayer. I have been asking for this a lot recently in my preparation for India. I want to see these people as He does and to feel the way He does about them. I want to have compassion and love for these people so I can more effectively share the love of God with them.

Here’s to another adventure! Keep me and my team in your prayers throughout the next three months.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good

His love endures forever!

Sin

Death

We love to venture closer and closer... telling ourselves it will be the last time, and it isn’t all that bad. It will go away, and will be easy to stop, I’m just not ready.

We love to be in control. To take matters into our own hands, being our own god’s and ruling over everything in our lives. We can handle the pressure. Society tells us to be strong, to be confident, and to support ourselves. We can do it all on our own. We don’t need or want anything else to stand in the way of our own selfish success.

God hates sin. It was sin that tore us away from Him. His own children tricked into turning away from their loving Father. How must have God felt, casting His precious creations out of the Garden? What else was God supposed to do? He can no longer directly associate Himself with us. Something has to be done. He had to win back His children... do you ever wonder if God regrets giving man free-will? As soon as He gives man the freedom to choose... BAM! He loses us! What a mistake!

But wait a minute. God doesn’t make mistakes, and has never regretted anything. He knew we would turn, so why did He give us the choice to do it in the first place? Why put Himself through the pain and anguish of watching His children destroy themselves? Ahh! How can He watch us make a mess of the life He so freely and lovingly gave us?!

And the sick thing is we love it. We love to sin. We love to run away and chase after the desires of our flesh. We love to go it on our own and use every ounce of our strength to deny what Jesus did for us. In human form he came to bridge that gap so once again God could have a real relationship with His people, His children, the ones He chose and created for Himself.

No wonder God is jealous. All He wants is for us to love Him, the Author of the universe, of life itself, and we can’t even grant Him the satisfaction of our loyalty.

Satan is jealous too. He is jealous of the glory and beauty God created in women. So why do we find it more appealing? Satan brings only death, destruction of all things beautiful and glorious. No wonder so many women suffer from eating disorders. Satan has taken something glorious as food, something that God created for us to sustain the bodies he gave us, a pleasant gift to enjoy everyday... he has taken women, the crown and beauty of God’s creation, the most beautiful of God’s creation... mixed them up and created a chaos that makes us believe that food is going to destroy our beauty, and that we can never be beautiful because we always have to eat. So we reject God’s gift; rejecting God’s love in the process. We then come to a place of loneliness and neediness. And now the only thing we have left is the one thing we rejected. So we turn to it, whilst Satan loves every minute that we continue to blindly walk in obedience to the idol that rules and consumes us.

It makes us lazy, apathetic, and lethargic. It brings about the worst in us. It makes us withdraw, and repulse those who love us.

We claim to hate... hate what? Ourselves, sin, God, the devil? The only thing we need to worry about claiming in the blood of the One who died for us.

11/16/09

(Today I felt like writing that which filled my mind... it is so very random and reads a bit like Ulysses!)

Obey, believe, pay...NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. All God requires of us is to love Him and to have relationship with Him. That’s it. Nothing else matters. God has given us life; the least we can do is to thank Him for it by devoting our life to Him. Everything I have comes from Him. There is not one thing I am blessed with that has not come as a gift from my Creator. And the sad thing is, I don’t even deserve it. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we could just stay in God’s presence, and stand in awe of who He is? To just stay in the same rigid spot and sing to Him and tell Him how wonderful He is... What better way to worship God than to go and tell others about how wonderful He is. When God tells me to do something, should I thank Him for the suggestion and tell Him I’ll think about it? God doesn’t take no for an answer. There is no plan B. God has a plan for the here and now. He is constantly working out His plan of salvation... and He wants to use ME! What a privilege! That the Author of life, the very one who spoke life to my bones, thinks it would be a really good idea if I was in on His plan to rescue humankind! That, to me, is mind blowing. I was out the other night staring up at the stars. They are so beautiful. I had to walk away. I just couldn’t conceive how big, amazing, full of wonder that sight was. How God considers them to be nothing in comparison with how much He loves me, and how He sees my beauty. I was actually afraid of looking up and coming to a place of acceptance of my part in creation. That even though the stars cover the whole of the night sky and are in awe of most human beings, God still places me higher and of more importance. In fact, the nature He created around me should be a daily reasoning with my soul that He is the most beautiful, and me, being made in His image retains this beauty. What is beauty? A good descriptive word that happens to have fallen into our vocabulary? Or is it something much more profound and captivating? Does beauty feel? Does beauty have a heart? Does beauty define who we are? Does beauty define who God is? I am listening to the soundtrack to ‘Finding Neverland’ and it is the most beautiful sound. Why do I want to hide? If God has created me in His image, which is beautiful, why should I want to hide myself? The mountains stand tall, the ocean covers most of the earth, the flowers blow gently in the breeze... they embrace and accept the purpose God gave them. Yet God cares so much more for us. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to hide. I love to just randomly dance around to my music when no one is watching! I love to run around barefoot! The B-52s are the best! Haha, so stupid but so much fun! I want to just spend a day watching Disney films. All the ones that make me feel like I’m a princess, or wish I could be one. All the ones that scare me so I know that life isn’t really that bad. The ones full of heroic action, so that I will know that I can be rescued. The ones with dramatic music that make life worth living, for in that moment the motion on the screen captures you and you instantly understand the reason behind the pain and the loneliness... they always have a happy ending. Organ music is the best. It is so depicting of life. It has a sound for every aspect of life and feeling. Ah, so good! I feel angry, hurt, confused, betrayed, worthless, devalued. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know any different other than what I used to do... but that will destroy me. I can’t do this. I am not the strong person everybody thinks I am. I feel unable to deal with and I can’t cope. My heart feels violated. I feel transparent beyond acceptance and vulnerable to point of destruction. I can’t see a way out. I feel embarrassed, shameful. If others see me in this way, how can there be hope for what I already think of myself? I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want people to think they have to validate me so that I will feel better. This is not a battle against the flesh. We physically can’t do a lot to fight this. Being barefoot in surrender today only scratches the surface. There is so much more that needs to be done. But even the smallest of protest against the enemy... singing a song, acknowledging Jesus as Lord, submitting the impossibility of a situation... simply saying ‘I can’t’ can move the heavens closer and send out the army that can fight for you. Singing is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Laughter is beautiful. Communication is beautiful. Fairy lights are pretty, but the stars that light up the darkest of night skies are beautiful. The sun that rises each morning is beautiful. The sun that sets at the end of each day is captivating. Time is held in that moment, for only a second, until it disappears beyond the horizon sneaking away from sight. Family is beautiful. Relationships can be ugly, but there is one that will never lose its beauty. God is the essence of beauty. He will never lose His beauty... we can’t see Him, so we cannot define beauty by looks, only that of which we can see... but in terms of human beings... we cannot. We should not. How can we fully describe the beauty of God? He only gives us a glimpse through the creation He has gifted us with. We have no right to tell of the measure of His beauty. I am worn out. I just want to held, comforted.

He loves, and that's enough...

Why is it that we can’t accept love? What is it about us that as soon as love comes near, we run and hide in the opposite direction?

God wants our attention. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to love Him as He loves us.

God is love. He loves, and that’s enough. There is no logical human explanation- that’s just it. He loves. Period. He enjoys bestowing more and more of Himself to us. He delights in us. He doesn’t need us. He chose us. He wants to use us. He has chosen us for Himself. He simply desires us, wants us and loves us.

‘My heart yearns for you and my love for you stirs up my pity. I am God not human’ Hosea 11:8

How can You watch? How can You watch us destroy ourselves and each other? Must You constantly have to look down upon a fallen world? It is not the world You once created. Why bother to take an interest in us when all we do is hurt You? You require intimacy, but we can’t commit!

The snow still falls

The rain still pours

The mountains still stand

Whilst the oceans still roar

The sun still shines

The birds still sing

As creation joins

In the offering

I wake up each morning... you still love me

The sun still rises... you still love me

We hate each other to the point of murder... you still love us

We prostitute your love for that of another... you still love us

We come to a point of realisation, yet forget it a moment later... you still love us.

We repeat question after question... you still love us

We fail at true worship... you still love us

We scorn your creation... you still love us

You tug and tug, yet we make no movement... you still love us

We try to make it on our own... you still love us

We lose faith; we fail to hope... you still love us

We doubt and are fearful of ourselves and others... you still love us

What is going on in this world? Why can’t we be a generation that accepts love, as simple and generous as it was first given?

God is good... ALL the time

Isa 58:11-12 And the LORD shall guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and make fat your bones: and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And they that shall be of the Lord shall build the old waste places: You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you will be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.

We have just returned from two intense weeks of road trip! I have slept on skate ramps, church floors, a double bed, the car and a rooftop! Sleeping under the stars has to be the most amazing experience! I have crossed the 3 states in 2 weeks! America is SO huge! Not even kidding, we drove across Wyoming for nearly 10 hours and we hadn’t even covered the whole state, and that’s not a particularly large one.

So we set off in the direction of Colorado, stopping for one night in Ogden, Utah. We stayed at a skate park ministry called the Jesus Field. We slept on skate ramps that night before heading off towards Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Whilst trying to find the lodge we were supposed to be staying at that night, we shredded our tyre!! It was snowing, freezing cold, we were in the middle of no where (Wyoming is literally plains....) and it was 10.30pm! But (the best word in the bible, hehe!), the stars were shining and God was with us! We eventually ended up sleeping on a church floor that night, which was warm and had toilets! What more could you want?

The next day we spent only 3 hours on the road heading up to Estes Park, Colorado, where the GO Conference was taking place. On the way we stopping at Walmart to buy me some clothes... that’s right, I forgot to pack enough tops! I’m learning!

We spent our first week of the road trip staying at YMCA Estes Park. IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL! Plus we got to stay in a real bed and shower in real showers and eat the most amazing food three times a day... with no work duties to be seen! So you could say that it was a refreshing break... wrong! God was intense! My mind didn’t stop thinking for one second! There was so much to take in. Worship twice a day (which I am certainly NOT complaining about). Intercession for 2 hours every morning... in which we saw some incredible movement of the Holy Spirit and of God’s power and love for is people. We were praying one morning for the city of Juarez, that gets a reported 7 murders a day! So, we are YWAMers! We prayed, and prayed, and prayed... the next day... oh wow... One of the staff at the base in Juarez received a text message saying that there has been NO MURDERS THAT DAY! God saved 7 people in that city from certain death!

Another example of God working through our prayers that week was in the buying of our plane tickets for India (we leave in 3 weeks!!) We weren’t having any luck with finding cheap tickets, so we prayed (no surprise there!). God put the number 700 in my head, so I was particularly praying for us to get tickets for $700... so after we pray we corporately decide to wait until the morning to check the prices again. Morning comes, we check the tickets, they are $1190... we decided to buy them. During the worship that morning, I had the feeling that I should check the exchange rate of USD and GBP... $1190=£700 that day! Ha! So good! God is so good to us, all the time!

As you can probably already guess, it snowed whilst we were up in Estes Park.... 5 feet! I was so unprepared it was funny! I just completely gave up worrying about my wet clothes and jumped right in... literally! We were asked, on the first day (as one of those weird ice-breaker things that they insist will help you talk to people) whether we were mountain people, or beach people... I am most definitely a mountain person! I consider myself so incredible blessed that I got to drive through miles and miles of God’s glory! The mountains, the clouds, the sunrises and sunsets, the rivers, the vast plains... all reflect our glorious, majestic God!

After our week in Colorado we moved onto Utah. This week’s topic being: Evangelism... and probably a bit of spiritual warfare (although that is next week’s topic!)

I learnt a lot about myself this week. The first week of the trip I learnt a lot about God... I learnt that God is the great I AM and is sovereign in all situations. I learnt that God is good all the time. I learnt that it is not what I feel at the time that matters, it is my choice to believe that God is good and is there all the time and will come through for me!

The second week was putting all this into practice. We were all under a very heavy influence of evil. We woke up from nightmares, lethargy overcame us each day. I personally felt sick all week, and trapped, as if something was on top of me all week. It was the hardest to actually admit that God was working through us and that He was still good and trust worthy! BUT He totally was! We obviously were having an effect upon the city, which is exciting! I have never prayed so much in my life! Haha! We spent most of our time either in prayer for ourselves, for the city, for the up and coming DTS, or in asking God for direction.

Although it was hard, and I was so ready to pack my bags and head back home (not even kidding, there was one point when I really just couldn’t take it any more)... we had a lot of fun sleeping on the roof, taking cool pictures, sliding down the stairs in our sleeping bags, sitting in diggers...

I have been continually encouraged to let Him have His way. I don’t know what this looks like, but I do think that it is something that I have to be continually seeking and challenged with.

I have felt very exposed and vulnerable this week. I realised how much I HATE sin, and I HATE lies. I want to be a God-fearing woman in all I do. I was convicted that I should confess all the lies that have been keeping me from receiving the next part of God’s plan for me. It was the hardest thing to admit, but when the time came I felt all the shame removed from me and God strengthen me in my obedience! I can truly trust my soul to Him!

We are now staying in The Depot, which is a house 2 miles outside of Cascade. IT HAS A PIANO! Praise God! Hehe! I had the best night’s sleep last night. It is going to snow again this week... I have 2 more weeks here, and then we have 10 days off for Thanksgiving! I am going to Oregon, yet another state to add to my list! Then we come back for 4 days... then we are off to India for 3 months! It all seems to have gone so fast. I have only been in the States for 6 weeks... yet I have been to so many places, seen so much, and learnt so much! I don’t think I will ever get bored of travelling to new places and experiencing new and exciting things! God never ceases to provide, and never fails to meet the desires of my heart!

In the Bible, God gives us the call to ‘go’ over 8000 times. There is no question about whether we are all called or not, it’s whether we are going to accept that call or just ignore the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of people that die every day without even knowing who Jesus is or why He is so important!

I stood when we were asked whether or not we wanted to make the commitment to long term missions. I want to go. I want to see the nations sing to our great God. I want to see nations saved and come to know their saviour in a personal and powerful way. I want to be known in heaven and feared in hell!

God has been laying of my heart a passion for church planting and China. Never in the times when I was asked about what I wanted to be when I grew up would I have said ‘I want to go to China and plant churches’. But apparently that is what excites me and what God has been showing me through several different people, songs, books that I have been reading! There was one day last week when I was reading about church planting, and had the song ‘I will build my church’ in my head... it was crazy, but it is so exciting!

Stuffs about stuff...

When you read about surrender, and giving everything for Jesus, you never really think that you will have to give anything up at the time. That is until there is void between you and God, and the only thing to fill that void is to remove everything else until all you have left is the One who wants you most.

I gave up so much just to come here. A place at university, a place in the Royal Marines, a job, my family, my friends... and now God wants me to give up piano and give away most of my shoes, give up the daily comforts of warm showers and a comfy bed with sheets and blankets... how far are we actually willing to go, when the call comes.

I guess once you set off, there’s no point in stopping...

I have been given so much. I don’t need or indeed deserve all that I have been given. God reminds us every day, even in the little things, like waking up to the sunrise; that He loves us so much. We don’t do nearly enough to respond to this love. We even go so far as to forget about Him during the times of the day that aren’t specifically devoted to Him. We are sinful beyond our own imaginations. We repent, and in the next moment have re-committed the exact same sin!

Yet God is calling us to love Him. That’s it. He wants to remind us of His love, so that we are reminded to live in it. Not to complain, or question why. Just to live in the Father’s presence.

When I felt that God was telling me that this was a season in which I would not be playing the piano (one of the reasons why He probably removed me from Vegas), I eventually came to the conclusion that it would be ok. I think I had prayed so hard and believed so much that He could provide me with one, I completely missed the point. I never once asked God how He felt about it, or if He actually wanted me to play for Him. I just assumed... therein being my biggest mistake. I had been hearing conflicting ideas of praying in faith and surrender all week. I was so confused.... I would read in the Bible about ‘When a believing person prays, great things happen’, then a day later I would hear stories about people that had been lead to surrender their gifts for a season. Torn between the two, I took the selfish route, and almost blocked God from speaking back to me about it. As soon as I realised my sin, I repented and immediately realised that I should have given it up as soon as I heard about surrendering it. It’s going to be hard; but it is part of the stretching process.

In the past few weeks I have really come out of my shell. I feel like me. I feel I am in exactly the right place, and in the very centre of what God has for me right now. He has encouraged me so much through the words of others, through His own spoken and written word. I can see myself grow every day in Him, and in knowing who I am. It feels so good to know who I am, to be confident in who I am, and learn to love who I am...

Marty (the base director) gave a talk today about staffing at YWAM Idaho after DTS. I really feel called to be in missions, and to live for God in this ministry, involving the gifts He has given to me and is developing inside of me. I look back and am so thankful for God pulling me away from any other path except His. I would have missed out on so much had I wasted 4 years of my life in more useless education (ok, so it probably wouldn’t have been useless, but my faith would have diluted, so in effect it wouldn’t have been beneficial. For what good is doing anything if not for God, and God alone?)

There is so much I wanna do, so many things that God has placed upon my heart. So many places! Just to think that no matter how much I travel, and how many places I see- I will never see the whole world! But God, who sits high on His throne in Heaven can! I can see my life constantly on the move! I feel like my life is creating a nomadic theme! I don't think I will ever stay in one place long enough to call it home. After all this life is just the waiting room. I pray that my children will feel a home in you Lord, as I do. I don't think it would matter where I was in the world, I am never going to need a home here on earth. My home is in Heaven, and everything in this life is in reach of this goal. Not by anything that we can.... but totally by all that God can do! My kids are gonna have so much fun, growing up all over the world! I know I will certainly enjoy raising them to know the Lord as their Father and Saviour, as their everything; all that they will ever need.

Jesus, thank you for stripping me of everything. Even those things that are pleasing to You. I trust You with my life. I trust You with the things I have surrendered to You, and pray for Your mercy in my submission. Give me patience to endure until the time I can play again for the glory of Your holy name! Amen!

The Gingerbread Man

Once upon a time, there was a baker. He liked to bake gingerbread men, that were perfectly golden, and decorated with gum drop buttons.

On day he decided he was going to bake two gingerbread men. The first one came out of the oven, perfectly golden, with three gum drop buttons. The second came out a few minutes later, also perfectly golden, except it only had two gum drop buttons.

The second noticed that he only two gum drop buttons and thought to himself, 'I only have two gum drop buttons, I must not be as good looking as the the first gingerbread man.'

Just then, the baker comes over to the second gingerbread man, sensing the frown on his face. He said, 'Don't worry second gingerbread man, I made you perfectly golden and with specifically two gum drop buttons. I didn't want you to be the same as the first gingerbread man. It was my intention to make you this way.'

The second gingerbread man realised that he was just as special as the first. The smile returned to his face and he rejoiced in his two gum drop buttons and the baker's creativity!

(This is the parable I wrote today... kinda stupid, but I think it works!)